Essential Glory

What does it feel like to be gay?

I have been pondering that for decades. I know it feels like I feel. I am gay and this is how I feel so this must be what it feels like to be gay. I know it feels different in some ways from what it must feel like to be straight. I know there are obvious emotions concerning sexual attraction but I also know that those are not the most of it. I know that when I am in the physical presence of my beloved I don’t perceive gayness.

[I had better make it explicit that although I identify with the LGBTQ community I obviously only have the experience of being gay. I understand what it feels like to be LBTorQ only tangentially from my interactions with the community. On the other hand, of course, much of what all of us experience comes from the reality of being somehow “other.”]

I know that I am most aware of my sexuality in that sense when I am in an exclusively heterosexist environment. I know that decades ago when my closest friends had a baby girl and made jokes about how she was eyeing the baby boys in the nursery I was really angry that there was simply the assumption that everybody had to be heterosexual until proven otherwise. That time I felt gay. That was a sense of oppression.

I know that my first experience of the Gay Games in New York in 1994 was both humorous and joyous. I was only vaguely aware of the impending games when, early one morning, I hopped down to the corner near my Chelsea apartment to grab a newspaper and a bagel and I was shocked that everybody around me seemed to be gay. I laughed out loud (really!) as I had that realization “Oh, this must be what it feels like to be straight most of the time.” A friend promptly called and invited me to go with him to the opening ceremony and as we rode the subway up the west side all I could see anywhere were LGBT people. It was my first experience of feeling like I was in the majority, of feeling like I was not different in some way. It was glorious.

There you have it—glory is that sensation of love that comes from inside. Glory is love incarnated in our daily experience. The surprising red tomatoes in my garden are glory, my husband walking around the neighborhood each afternoon is glory, the rain chasing away the wildfire danger is glory. We make a mistake when we look for glory outside of ourselves instead of in our own hearts.

The love we experience is glory.

What does it feel like to be gay? Well, glorious, of course!

To remain in a state of glory requires that essential action of walking in love. It is too easy to challenge reality, to challenge love, to challenge God by being angry instead of remembering to walk in love. When we dwell in anger, even justified anger, we stop loving and become self-focused (Job 38:1-2). But when we remember to walk in love the anger dissipates and love fills life with joy. All creation shouts for joy when God’s creatures experience the glory of walking in love.

But what are we to do with those feelings that gave rise to anger, what are we to do with that feeling of oppression? This, too, requires essential action, to lovingly seek justice and righteousness. This requires wisdom that comes from a lifetime of walking in love (Psalm 104:25). This requires the wisdom that comes with sharing the cup of Christ (Mark 10:38), which is the baptism of walking in love. We must push through the anger, through the sadness, through even grieving until we reach the other dimension, where we see the glory of love shared.

What, then, does it feel like to be? To be a living member of creation sharing the power of the love that binds everything together is glorious.

Proper 24 Year B 2021 RCL (Job 38:1-7, (34-41); Psalm 104:1-9, 25, 37b Benedic, anima mea; Hebrews 5:1-10; Mark 10:35-45)

©2021 The Rev. Dr. Richard P. Smiraglia. All rights reserved.