Enlightening The Eyes of my Gay Heart

Growing up, I often tell young LGBTQ folks now, I didn’t know I was “gay.” The reason I say that is because we didn’t have that in those days. Or rather, I thought gay was what the yuletide was what with decked halls and all that. I didn’t know I could be a man who loved a man for life (or even for awhile). All I saw in the world was or appeared to be heterosexual. So I didn’t know there were any options.

Then again, I knew very well to whom I was attracted emotionally and sexually. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do about that so mostly I did nothing. I have now dim memories of times that I came across LGBTQ people and only much later (usually decades later) realized that was what that had been.

Like so many things in life, as I grew into adulthood and went out into the world I began to see things that were new and different for me, and very quickly I began to catch on that there was a whole big chunk of reality I knew nothing about and hadn’t really let myself encounter. So a first step for me was just letting my eyes see things in a different way.

My seeking came from an inner yearning and eventually I began to get past just observing and head for real learning. Somehow or other I came across a news stand someplace (probably in a book store, remember book stores? We used to have stores full of books of all kinds …. And often a huge magazine rack and lots of newspapers too.) and there one day was a newspaper called The Advocate. And boy did I devour every word of that once I got it home.

Now my eyes were really open and I began to see love all around me, especially of the LGBTQ variety. I wanted in and while I worked on that I opened my heart as well as my eyes. And then let’s just say one day I was delivered by an angel and never looked back.

But then a whole new world opened up for me. I remember very nervously being escorted to my first ever gay bar by a group of my new friends. It was equal parts terrifying and exciting. But it also was incredibly liberating. And I kept thinking “you mean this was here all along and I didn’t know about it?” It was both like being shifted into a new dimension, which it was, and like being delivered from exile, which it also was.

And, to cut to the chase, I met my husband and he dragged me to church. And boy was that ever a revelation. There in that bastion of holiness, surrounded by beauty and glory and joy and salvation, there were integrated people of all sexualities, of all races, of all genders, of all ages, of all social stations. I could go on and on. Again I thought “you mean this was here all along?” And, of course, it was. And it is.

Because Christ is king. Christ is king of the dimension of love, where there are no divisions, where revelation is yours if only you will open your eyes, where learning to walk in love is the surest path to eternal citizenship.

The prophet Ezekiel [34:11-16, 20-24] gives the word of God concerning God’s lost sheep, who God promises to rescue, to gather, to feed … to “make them lie down” in rest and relief. And a shepherd will be set over them. And I think of Christ, my king, who brought me back from exile and into a new dimension of being one with God’s creation of me and with and through whom I have been able to live a long life of love.

Like the Psalmist [Psalm 100] I learned to dance and sing and rejoice, not just at church but at that gay bar too. I learned to be joyful with all my heart, to give thanks and to be present with song.

Like Paul writing to the Ephesians [1:15-23] I learned the meaning of having “the eyes of [my] heart enlightened” to know the hope to which I had been called.

And then I understood [Matthew 25:31-46] that the Son of Man has come in glory and his angels are all around us and we have been gathered into the dimension of his love because we have learned to walk in the love given to us in creation by God in whose image we all are created.

And Christ is our LGBTQ king.

Amen.

Last Sunday after Pentecost, Christ the King, Proper 29 Year A RCL (Ezekiel 34:11-16, 20-24; Psalm 100 Jubilate Deo; Ephesians 1:15-23; Matthew 25:31-46)

©2023 The Rev. Dr. Richard P. Smiraglia. All rights reserved.

Essential Glory

What does it feel like to be gay?

I have been pondering that for decades. I know it feels like I feel. I am gay and this is how I feel so this must be what it feels like to be gay. I know it feels different in some ways from what it must feel like to be straight. I know there are obvious emotions concerning sexual attraction but I also know that those are not the most of it. I know that when I am in the physical presence of my beloved I don’t perceive gayness.

[I had better make it explicit that although I identify with the LGBTQ community I obviously only have the experience of being gay. I understand what it feels like to be LBTorQ only tangentially from my interactions with the community. On the other hand, of course, much of what all of us experience comes from the reality of being somehow “other.”]

I know that I am most aware of my sexuality in that sense when I am in an exclusively heterosexist environment. I know that decades ago when my closest friends had a baby girl and made jokes about how she was eyeing the baby boys in the nursery I was really angry that there was simply the assumption that everybody had to be heterosexual until proven otherwise. That time I felt gay. That was a sense of oppression.

I know that my first experience of the Gay Games in New York in 1994 was both humorous and joyous. I was only vaguely aware of the impending games when, early one morning, I hopped down to the corner near my Chelsea apartment to grab a newspaper and a bagel and I was shocked that everybody around me seemed to be gay. I laughed out loud (really!) as I had that realization “Oh, this must be what it feels like to be straight most of the time.” A friend promptly called and invited me to go with him to the opening ceremony and as we rode the subway up the west side all I could see anywhere were LGBT people. It was my first experience of feeling like I was in the majority, of feeling like I was not different in some way. It was glorious.

There you have it—glory is that sensation of love that comes from inside. Glory is love incarnated in our daily experience. The surprising red tomatoes in my garden are glory, my husband walking around the neighborhood each afternoon is glory, the rain chasing away the wildfire danger is glory. We make a mistake when we look for glory outside of ourselves instead of in our own hearts.

The love we experience is glory.

What does it feel like to be gay? Well, glorious, of course!

To remain in a state of glory requires that essential action of walking in love. It is too easy to challenge reality, to challenge love, to challenge God by being angry instead of remembering to walk in love. When we dwell in anger, even justified anger, we stop loving and become self-focused (Job 38:1-2). But when we remember to walk in love the anger dissipates and love fills life with joy. All creation shouts for joy when God’s creatures experience the glory of walking in love.

But what are we to do with those feelings that gave rise to anger, what are we to do with that feeling of oppression? This, too, requires essential action, to lovingly seek justice and righteousness. This requires wisdom that comes from a lifetime of walking in love (Psalm 104:25). This requires the wisdom that comes with sharing the cup of Christ (Mark 10:38), which is the baptism of walking in love. We must push through the anger, through the sadness, through even grieving until we reach the other dimension, where we see the glory of love shared.

What, then, does it feel like to be? To be a living member of creation sharing the power of the love that binds everything together is glorious.

Proper 24 Year B 2021 RCL (Job 38:1-7, (34-41); Psalm 104:1-9, 25, 37b Benedic, anima mea; Hebrews 5:1-10; Mark 10:35-45)

©2021 The Rev. Dr. Richard P. Smiraglia. All rights reserved.

Be present, be gay*

In Eastertide we celebrate the resurrection of our Lord, and the message is reinforced by the world around us as spring bursts forth—everywhere we look we see sunshine and new flowers and new life. What we really celebrate with Easter is the reminder that in God we are given constantly a pathway to new dimensions of life. If we are willing to walk in love, as God wishes us to do, then we will create a kingdom of mutual respect all around us as we go. These are Jesus’ most prominent messages, first that we are to love one another and God as one, and second that we are to be active at all times in doing so.

Being active—doing—is what is called “prophecy.” What, did you think prophecy was predicting some disastrous future? That’s not it at all. In fact, my favorite prophet is Isaiah, who walked naked for three years—THREE YEARS!—to make a point. Go ahead, try it, see how far you get!

The Gospel for this second Sunday of Easter is famous because of the character of “doubting Thomas.” Thomas, at first, does not get the point. It is a good illustration, because Thomas is not there—Thomas is not present—he does not have prophetic experience of the resurrected Jesus. But, Thomas is susceptible, and when he asks for evidence God in the person of the resurrected Jesus provides it. My favorite part of this story is that Jesus has to come back a second time just for Thomas.

And that should be a lesson to us all. We all are God’s children. And we all are saved through Christ Jesus. And Jesus wasn’t just for some folks, but he was for every one of God’s children. Do you need Jesus? Don’t worry, he is going to show up for you too.

God provides what is really needed, but Thomas is an important part of the story, because he is willing to be present to see that the resurrected Jesus is, in fact, God. We can, and must, do the same. We must constantly “go forth in peace.” As gay and lesbian people we must be present, we must be seen, everywhere in society, as the proof of God’s love for all of God’s children. I know we crave equality, and we should have equality in society just as we have equality in creation. But we have to be present in all our gay-ness too. It is nothing less than God’s prophetic call to us, for all of creation.

* 2 Easter (Acts 2:14a, 22-32; Psalm 16; 1 Peter 1:3-9; John 20:19-31)

©2011 The Rev. Dr. Richard P. Smiraglia. All rights reserved.